School has become increasingly hard over the past couple of weeks. Last week the school increased the number of tests we have per week to 2, which is almost impossible to keep up with. My study time has gone up dramatically and my scores have done the opposite. I'm getting to a point where I feel that I'm constantly working but without reward. Nothing is more disheartening than to spend all of your time studying to find that your score was below the class average and well below your personal expectations. I now study on the weekends rather than take it as time for myself. I only really see Kelcie in between coffee refills and when we make time to go on dates on the weekend. Even though we put time aside for us, I still find myself worrying or short-tempered when I'm not working. The academic deans here warned us that 'burnout' was a possibility... becoming overwhelmed and overworked to the point that you lose interest and drop out of school mentally and sometimes, even physically. They also warned us of the potential for depression. Since those who have had the disease before are more susceptible, I worry sometimes that I might find myself crawling into a hole that I can't get out of and feeling those horrible feelings that I felt all those years ago. Still, I do enjoy the little pleasures in life and I keep my spirits high. I feel as if my peers depend on me for a laugh and I enjoy laughing myself, so I try my best to be optimistic and keep a good sense of humor. Still, class from 8-5 and studying from 5-10 every day takes it toll and I sometimes wonder how I will ever be able to survive the next two years of it if I already feel like I'm slowing down only two months into it.
I'm worried that if I take more time for myself to enjoy my life, then I will fall behind in my studies... something that I can't afford. I get sufficient sleep, about 6.5-7 hours a night but with the pressure of school, internal conflict with my father, and keeping my relationships stable, I feel like I'm constantly overworked. Kelcie has been incredible in being understanding about my work. She never complains about never seeing me, although I know she must be so lonely when I'm working. The support that she gives me and the mental break that I get from being with her is a life-saver when the stress is high.
I must be off, I have to be in the Auditorium for a Psychology exam tomorrow at 6:45, but I have to get up early to do some review. Then it's back to studying Anatomy for my exam on Monday. Still, I have to remember that I'm a medical student and that things are going to be hard. Whether I mope around and hang my head, the exams are still going to come. What will get my through these next two years aren't depressing blog posts, feeling sorry for myself, or getting wired up on being frustrated about scores. What will get me through is keeping a smile on my face, finding comfort and support in those closest to me and remembering that though it may seem impossible; things could be a lot worse.
Holding out until Thanksgiving break,
-Student Doctor Benjamin D. Smith
